Inspiration

It seems the more I search for moments of inspiration, the less control I have over them. I go to places where I had a great thought, or try to feel some emotion that became the beginning of a story, But I am discovering that It's not from me that the stories come. The moments of inspiration are often from an object, a thought, a scene, a feeling, which are not mine. Even if they come from my own mind, It is not my mind, It's the mind that was given to me by God. every idea I have is attributed to Him. I Am not original. I am simply a conduit between seeing the stories the world holds, or the ones that God gives, and putting pen to paper. I am not a writer, I am simply a messenger; But even a messenger I am glad to be.

a poem

I wrote a poem about someone today, a certain someone who pushes my buttons.

An angry little man, who always has a smile,

And angry little man, who will only last a while.

An angry little man who will not lift a finger,

Unless pointing at another man to get out of trouble.

Always speaks his mind,

Never subtle.

 An angry little man who always takes the credit

And never gives it, not by check, cash or debit.

An angry little man who holds a big fat grudge,

will someday hear the hammer of a little angry judge.

Irresponsibility

Sorry I haven't been blogging much, Ive been busy, theres over 200 guests here and I'm basically responsible for making sure they have what they need. needless to say, this gets tiring after awhile. the past few days I feel like ive been walking around in a haze. when I get home I want to do something thats somewhat fun, so I watch a movie or read something before going to bed, but when guests are here, I usually end up staying here very late taking care of them, so I get home pretty late. by the time I watch a movie or a show, Its even later. Ive been getting about 6 hours of sleep a night, which Isn't bad, Its just not what I'm used to. I have enough sleep to be functional all day, just not energetic to any extent.

Being tired doesn't help my nerves either. yesterday I walked home after lunch because I had seen enough of my boss that day and didn't want him to drive me home. usually after lunch theres a long interval where I do nothing until dinner, and most of the time I do nothing then also, so i figured I would come back during dinner. well right when I got home, I got a call from the boss, he came over, picked me up and brought me back to the side I had just walked from (keep in mind, this is NOT  short walk) just to make me clean a few paper towels off the floor and refill the paper towel holders. He wasted gas to make me do something he could have VERY easily done himself. seriously, it took like 5 minutes. I got a ride home from someone else after sitting there for hours with nothing to do.

Today, he brought me into the same bathrooms, and not only told me to pick up the paper towels on the floor, but literally stood there and pointed at them as I did. his hand was like 3 inches away from the stuff he was pointing at. It would've taken just as much effort to grab them and throw them away himself. I was about to say something, I was so mad. It was on the tip of my tongue when I stopped myself. He isn't worth the effort, and his work ethic (or lack therof) will never change. I just hate knowing I'm being used, I don't mind fulfilling a need, but that wasn't a need, that was just him being a lazy nazi.

At least watching these korean guests hitting each other all the time is brightening my day.

Thanks for listening to my rant, less angry blogs to come on the weekend.

new york

This is not a story of adventure, this is not a story of holiday cheer, this is not a story of all the sights and wonders of a city. This is simple story of humbleness, of sincere grief, and of compassion.

Today I went to new york for a few hours with the director, sometimes he goes there just to find a homeless person and give them a meal, a new testament, and just some company for a while. I regret to admit that my first selfish thought that lingered in the back of my mind was, "how generous we are, to go and give our time and money to someone in need" I tried to push the thought down as much as possible, but the true experience I had demolished it completely. we walked for quite a while looking for a homeless person on the side of the road, they were very far and few in between (probably due to the freezing weather and windy conditions). we found one, Ralph asked if he needed a meal, he came up with some excuse that I only heard pieces of, true or not, he wasn't interested. we walked quite a ways further, and came upon another man, sitting outside an old catholic church, with a sign that read: "lost apartment, job and family... please help". We were obviously skeptical at first about the truth of the sign, but ralph offered to buy him a meal anyways and he simply stared and said "sure". we walked to a restaurant and on the way He told some of his story, which I heard very little of because of the city ambience. on the way he stopped to pick up 3 pennies that were on the sidewalk. Once at the restaurant, ralph asked alot of questions, mostly things like "where are you from, what was your job, how long have you been here?" He explained how he used to work on a fishing boat, he has been doing it his whole life, but they decided to use his boat during a storm and it got damaged or something, he was laid off. when he was asked about his family he was obviously fighting back tears. I said very little, mostly listening, but asked probably the stupidest question I could've, "so where do you stay in the city?". I suppose in my civilized, americanized and ignorant subconscious, I pictured a homeless shelter on every corner or some old abandoned house where all the homeless could go for shelter. his answer was simple, and yet shocking, "nowhere" he said. I had never thought of the prospect of having absolutely nowhere to go. We talked a little more, after he finished eating, ralph gave him a new testament and some gift cards, he thanked us and we parted ways.

It was only when In christmas eve service however that it really hit me, here was this man: homeless, alone and on the streets in the cold. He wasn't begging, he wasn't even holding out a cup. he simply sat there with his head down, hopeless...utterly hopeless. and as I was standing in that warm, festive church service singing songs of joy, surrounded by people that would gladly shake my hand and simply talk with me...he was out in the cold, probably just sitting like he was, invisible to the eye of everyone else and void of friends or family. At that moment I felt the deepest compassion for this man, I felt his pain, his loneliness, his sorrow. when we are wondering whats underneath the tree this christmas, he is wondering how he will get his next meal, and how he will stay warm enough through winter. please pray for this man, his name was Don. pray that he reads that new testament, pray that his needs are met, pray that he comes to know the Lord if he doesn't.

and one last thing, be grateful for what you have. If you ever find yourself complaining, remember don.

old games and new ideas

Today I was assigned guest duty, which Pretty much consists of checking to make sure the trash is out, the toilet paper is stocked and the guests havn't locked themselves out of their rooms...again. all of that usually take about 5 minutes, and I only do it 3 times in a day, leaving the rest of the day to just sit in the cafeteria and not go crazy (that last part is optional). so I got a moment of inspiration and worked on a script all day long, I don't think I stopped until around 6:30 pm. after work I went to a friends house to play the legend of zelda, thats right the very first zelda game. When I told him I hadn't played it, he looked at me like I was no longer a part of the masculine gender. So, being a fan of games, and not a fan of being a woman, I took up this challenge to beat this game. though I'm not sure how spending countless hours sitting and staring at a screen raises your testosterone, but hey, who's to argue with a W.O.W. addict and a fan of kpop, sounds like a man to me...so anyways, I pretty much suck at this game and every time I die, I'm referred to as a "noob" which comes from the word newb, which comes from newbie. so yes, I am a newbie, how is that a derogatory term? its like saying "you human..." to insult me. no, please stop, don't call me what I am, it hurts too much. interesting verbal assault tactics there gamers...

Yes Ive heard the term, but I've never called anyone that, and never been called it myself. frankly because the games I'm invested in I have played for too long to be considered a noob, and I just find the term sounds kind of idiotic, It doesn't quite roll off the tongue.

Old stuff, good stuff and dead stuff

 I went to an antique store with my aunt and uncle, it was quite big and had lots of old stuff (naturally).  and while they had fun buying decor and whatnot, I scoured the place looking for just one thing I would be interested in buying that could also fit back into my already tightly packed carry-on. after walking through the store 2 or three times (and trust me, thats a much bigger feat than it sounds) I found myself empty-handed and bored, so i found an old jar and took a picture that only a few of my close friends will understand the reference to:

After a visit with a few of my other relatives in NC, we picked up some food from a place I truly miss:

You know that graveyard I was talking about? well I finally got bored enough to walk through it. As strange as it may sound, there is something sacred about a graveyard; something that keeps you from running or shouting or doing anything much but stand and walk slowly. I found myself more interested in the design of the headstones and how old some of them were then contemplating the prospect of death. I already know what happens when I die, no need for contemplation. though I decided that I would like to be buried when I finally bite the dust; because if my future generation is anything like me, they will appreciate the design of a unique headstone and a meaningful epitaph. though If I never get around to carving my own stone, I wouldn't want anyone to spend money on my lifeless body, just throw it in the nearest ditch with some purple flowers. 

...On the other hand, I think a viking funeral would be pretty awesome.

North Carolina

If ever there was a sleepy town, my aunt and uncle live there in north carolina. I almost never see anyone outside, except for the occasional unsupervised kid throwing rocks at something, or torturing a dog. Everyones house has some type of overgrown weed and dead or dying grass. theres a graveyard right up the road; which, sadly, Is the most interesting part of north carolina Ive seen since ive been here. My aunt and uncle are nice, I love how my uncle always makes jokes and my aunt takes them so seriously. my uncle's a slob, a clown, unhealthy and generally fun to be around, my aunts a perfectionist, way too serious, eats healthy, and uptight. They are like night and day, but they love each other.

I am glad to get away from all the work up at the mission, if nothing else its been relaxing. I would go crazy if I lived here though, it drives me nuts just seeing the surroundings. I become antsy, almost like how someone with claustrophobia thinks "Im never gonna get out of this small space" except its more like " I really hope I don't end up here in my old age". I think its my traveller's spirit, It may not seem like it, but it eats me up if I'm in one place for too long. Ive experienced staying put...Its time for adventure. I'm sure one day I will be content to stay in one place and die there, but I feel something right now that cant be stopped, this ever-bulding yearning to just go, to go anywhere and everywhere, to scour the globe and leave no stone unturned. Patience has plateaued and my heart beats faster every day, I feel like a runner at the start line: no time to think of the finish line, just to focus on running the race.

There is a certain beauty to the place, like anywhere, but a dark beauty: one born of lust and not of love, a beauty that corrupts or drives you crazy. Everyone I've seen here is either retired or standing on the side of the road, drinking. every night I fall asleep thinking,"maybe I'll treat myself and go walk through the graveyard tomorrow."

Im glad I'm here, but I'm glad I'm leaving.

opportunities

The missions director took me to lunch yesterday, I always love spending time with bill, he is so easy to talk to and always finds some way to make you smile. although he towers above everyone else at the mission, he is by no means prideful or boastful in personality. He is one of the most gentle people here and sometimes I have to let him know he is never treading on eggshells when he asks me a question. He raised my hopes for going to germany when he mentioned a program that they mean to put in place soon. apparently the german government profits from bringing in americans and teaching them english because then said Americans are more inclined to stay in germany and send word back home about how great germany is. Ive heard from almost everyone that the HQ in germany is much more organized than the one here, meaning everything is clean, you always show up on time, and everything goes according to plan. This is very different from the american mindset (especially the hawaiian mindset) and would take a bit of getting used to but I like to think that I adjust easily. also, a little "american mindset" is good for HQ according to bill, its what makes them less "snobbish" and more welcoming to the groups they are trying to reach out to. he told me that the government actually pays you to learn german and go through an internship program at the mission. I'm excited to see if this program works out, it would definitely be a dream come true for me.