a snowstorm is supposed to be coming through here tonight, they are saying 4 to 8 inches, on top of the 3 we've already got on the ground. all the guests this weekend cancelled for fear of being snowbound up here, which is nice because I won't have as much work to do. I'm looking forward to going back, but I guess you could say I'm also looking past going back too. I have this habit of thinking way too far ahead, then I psych myself out to the point where its too overwhelming.
where will I go next? should I get a job? can I get a job? I'm going to need to take my drivers test...again, I hope I dont fail...again, should I go back to college? can I go back to college with no GED, do I need to go get a GED now? gosh I hate studying for math. everyones gonna be asking me how it went up here, what do I say? "It was good and bad like any other experience in life?" because it was, they will be expecting "oh it was absolutely amazing and perfect, I hung out on a rainbow every day with fairies and unicorns." and what about germany? will I get there soon? I can't stay on hawaii for too long or I'll loose it, that comes back to the money issue. what about once I'm there? what if I STILL don't have a licence, what if I meet someone? I can't support anyone besides myself, will college help with that? I can't do years of college, I'll go crazy. etc etc etc. you get the point, my thought process is worrisome and sparratic, which is why I stumble on words alot when speaking, I not only think of the words I'm about to say I think of the next sentence ahead and mix up everything I was saying. Thats kindof how life goes with me, I think so far ahead I can't focus on one thing at a time and often it all just seems so overwhelming I give up. I'm sorry to all of those "can do" type of people out there, but sometimes I just need a break, a very long break. and while I'm sure many people think I'm up here eating pizza and smoking cigars everyday, thats nt the case at all. Ive pretty much been working harder than I ever have up here, and most of the time, its not fun. I feel like I'm jumping from a metaphorical friday to a monday coming back to hawaii. I'm coming from working long hours for 4 months loosing all my money to trying to find a job so that I can make enough money to go to germany. don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the experience here, but working for peanuts...It can be stressful.
i am so in the same boat as you buddy :) lets keep rowing. i know God has something for both of us. lets focus on the good of the now and have a healthy balance of planning for the future without getting overwhelmed. easier said than done am i right?
ReplyDeletelooking forward to you being back on the island though. we miss you much!!!