A dear John to jersey

I know this is a little in advance but I think that makes it all the more real. Its not a letter based on past feelings or fleeting memories, Its a letter written here and now when I can describe my feelings in complete clarity.

Its been fun Jersey, kindof, But its time for me to leave. I don't expect I will see you again, at least I don't plan on it. Don't get me wrong; I loved the cold, the sandwiches and the coffee, but It's time to step ahead and not look back. I know you will miss me, I'm sorry that I cannot say the same, but I promise you will be a part of my memories nonetheless: the good, the bad, the ugly.


until a next time I hope I never have to see, goodbye...Jersey.

ready for departure

a snowstorm is supposed to be coming through here tonight, they are saying 4 to 8 inches, on top of the 3 we've already got on the ground. all the guests this weekend cancelled for fear of being snowbound up here, which is nice because I won't have as much work to do. I'm looking forward to going back, but I guess you could say I'm also looking past going back too. I have this habit of thinking way too far ahead, then I psych myself out to the point where its too overwhelming.

where will I go next? should I get a job? can I get a job? I'm going to need to take my drivers test...again, I hope I dont fail...again, should I go back to college? can I go back to college with no GED, do I need to go get a GED now? gosh I hate studying for math. everyones gonna be asking me how it went up here, what do I say? "It was good and bad like any other experience in life?" because it was, they will be expecting "oh it was absolutely amazing and perfect, I hung out on a rainbow every day with fairies and unicorns." and what about germany? will I get there soon? I can't stay on hawaii for too long or I'll loose it, that comes back to the money issue. what about once I'm there? what if I STILL don't have a licence, what if I meet someone? I can't support anyone besides myself, will college help with that? I can't do years of college, I'll go crazy. etc etc etc. you get the point, my thought process is worrisome and sparratic, which is why I stumble on words alot when speaking, I not only think of the words I'm about to say I think of the next sentence ahead and mix up everything I was saying. Thats kindof how life goes with me, I think so far ahead I can't focus on one thing at a time and often it all just seems so overwhelming I give up. I'm sorry to all of those "can do" type of people out there, but sometimes I just need a break, a very long break. and while I'm sure many people think I'm up here eating pizza and smoking cigars everyday, thats nt the case at all. Ive pretty much been working harder than I ever have up here, and most of the time, its not fun. I feel like I'm jumping from a metaphorical friday to a monday coming back to hawaii. I'm coming from working long hours for 4 months loosing all my money to trying to find a job so that I can make enough money to go to germany. don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the experience here, but working for peanuts...It can be stressful.

the farm

Today was one of those days where you just don't feel much. I only got a few hours of sleep last night, enough to get me through the day but not enough to make me 100%. It was a fairly easy day, setting up chairs, doing a fire safety check through a few buildings, taking out the trash etc. the only real highlight of my day came near the end, it was almost quitting time and I drove up to the farm for the last fire safety check. Theres always 2 geese wandering around the farm as well as one big rooster and a couple of cats. The geese are pretty skiddish, but I felt bad for one that got run over a few days ago (not by me) so I wanted to check on him while I was there. He had a slight limp this time but seemed ok other than that, his friend was honking the whole time, obviously wary of me being there. I went back to the guesthouse after work and grabbed a bag of cheetos, then went back up to the farm to spend some time there (its a quiet place where you don't get bothered much) The instant I opened it and started eating, the rooster ran up to me, I gave him a few broken up pieces and the geese started noticing, so they kept their distance but begged for some so I threw a little over to them, then out of nowhere A cat comes up and starts meowing. she wasn't interested in cheetos, she just really wanted to be pet. so these creatures are all gathered around me, and I forgot how much joy the company of animals could be. I went back to the house and warmed up a little milk for the cat, it was about 15 to 20 degrees so I figured she could use something warm, she enjoyed it.